well I can't set my house on fire every night
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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