Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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