...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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