you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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