I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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