end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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