last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
