two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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