I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
