Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
