so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
