Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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