i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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