Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
