remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
