the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
