goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
