hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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