Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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