During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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