Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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