hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
