I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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