You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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