hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
