Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You ruined the universe
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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