I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
