i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
