It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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