So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was confusing and full of hummus
well most of my day revolves around power hour
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm like, not good at living.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
