I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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