Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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