You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
