I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
