Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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