WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
