Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
