just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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