my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
