Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
