god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
