I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
