he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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