I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
