Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
