Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
