I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I did not marry a roomba.
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