my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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