Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
