Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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