apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
