The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
