Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
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quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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