Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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