I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
