I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
